Chaos … Noise …

Ann H at Pexels

Now it’s 1:15AM. I’m having an another episode or a “wave” – as I’d like to call it – of sadness and angerness – if that even a word. I always try to hide this side of me. That side of still having mental health disorders as people call it.

I’m still trying to live with it. From time to time, waves of sadness / anxiety / fear / angerness .. you call it .. crash me. And when it happens, I just try to stop whatever I’m doing, and take a moment of silence, and pray for peace. I try to fight and face the thoughts if that was the source. But most of the time, it happens for NO REASON AT ALL! This moment I’m feeling good and I’m %100 focused on what I’m doing, the second moment it’s all chaotic inside! I burst into tears! I get overwhelemed with sadness and pain. My heart starts to ache … like physically! I still get panic attacks. There are times when I freak out and be unable to breathe.

Photo by Yancy Min / Unsplash

I know that there are so many traumas I didn’t process so far. I know that it’s a journey. A really LONG JOURNEY. Like a FOREVER JOURNEY. But I know that it worth the walk. And I believe that I’m not walking it alone.

I’m being vulnerable now and telling this! I have mental disorders 🙂

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