Day 135 … just inner conflicts and noise.

Knowing that you are called to do something without comprehending what you’re called to do makes you paralyzed. And that thought “you’re not where you’re supposed to be right now” makes you paralyzed. See, I’ve been paralyzed for a while now.

You see, I thought so many times to quit coding “this is what I do for a living” … and most of the times I get exhausted and burned. My guts tell me that this is not what I’m supposed to do full-time.

Maybe I do have some dreams that somehow I know they’re not from me, but at the same time I don’t have the skills to succeed in fulfilling these dreams.

For some reason I feel now that I don’t know myself as I knew it a few months ago. I don’t know what my skills are. I don’t know what I like and don’t like to do. I thought that I knew my calling, even if I knew a little about it, but now I feel that I don’t know a thing.

All of the cards of my life are shuffled. I feel that it is too late to anchor myself and rearrange my cards, and refigure things … that If I tried to anchor myself, the current of life will drown me.

I know that my identity and who I am is so much bigger than what I do, and regardless of doing and achieving stuff, I’m a son. But I’m now a son that lack motivation to do anything because I feel that I don’t fit in most of the things I currently do.

So again, I’m paralyzed. I don’t know what to do next, and all I currently hear is silence. So, I’m waiting for that still voice.

In the wilderness, I still walk. In my journey of knowing who I am, and what I’m called to do … I don’t want to just exist. I want to be who I’m supposed to be and live and walk in You.

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