December 25th 2020 … 11:34PM

Vijay Sadasivuni at Pexels

It’s Dec 26th, 12AM now! At 11:34PM I was sitting on the roof in the cold. I sit in the cold because I can’t cry in the cold … because It’s COLD! 

It’s 12:21AM now .. staring at my laptop, don’t know what to write or how to describe how I feel… I feel like I’m breaking down .. it’s that phase when all the traumas of before and now are knocking you down to your knees.. I have a pain in my stomach .. I breathe slow .. I walk slow .. I talk slow .. even my heart is going beating slower.

I will try to describe how I feel

I know for sure that I’m so sad. I’m angry at myself .. I’m angry at God .. I’m so so angry .. I’m confused .. super confused .. don’t know what to do .. I’m trying to figure everything for myself … I don’t want anybody’s advice .. I may need it .. but I don’t want it .. I feel stuck .. God gave meaning to my life .. and as I’m wondering if He is really there or if he’s just an imaginary friend that I’ve made .. and my friends helped me to .. because if he’s there .. where the hell is he??? Why isn’t he reaching out! He is God not Me! Even if I’m a sinner, and even if he’s talking inside of me and I’m unable to listen, and even if he’s trying to reach me through people … fuck all that … HE IS GOD .. he can do something! I’m letting the door open! Moreover .. as I was saying .. because God gave my life meaning, and now he’s out of the equation .. I can’t find meaning in life .. Everything is meaningless .. I’m just going through the day so that I can survive .. because my brain is programmed to .. it is on surviving mode. 

Not a single day passes by without me thinking to end my life .. to end this cycle of pain ..

Life is so unpredictable…

Everything is chaotic! Everything is so messy! This year, 2020, nothing happened as I predicted and planned! I can’t fulfill any promises or words … I owe people money that I’m unable to return because nothing is going as expected! I didn’t get paid for work I did. The money that comes goes so fast for necessary life stuff. My electronic devices is breaking down and need to be repaired … Everything is a MESS! I’m just going on because there still some hope .. I hope .. but whenever anything happens .. I always smile at life saying that I can get out of the maze at anytime I want to .. I can pull the plug of life at anytime .. I can pull the trigger .. I don’t fear death.. I don’t fear anything.. But I fear to waste my life..

Missing Goal

I am trying to rediscover everything from scratch .. trying to rebuild my worldview .. a worldview without a god .. a worldview in which life is unpredictable .. a worldview in which hope hurts just as love hurts .. a worldview in which to give up is easy and can be .. a worldview that is full of life and truth, that is not unclear or mysterious … a worldview that is not a fairy tale! I have to come up with a plan to live my life or else I will end it .. because I AM STUCK!

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