December 31st 2020

Kun Fotografi at Pexels

It’s 2:26AM. I’m unable to sleep .. as always.

Yesterday, December 30th, I found out that having relationships and caring for these to continue are the most difficult things in life. I have had a fight with a friend. While having this fight, I was thinking to take the easy way out: to end that friendship and get back being alone. For most of my life I always thought that real friends are not meant for me to have. Like it is something impossible. So unconsciously I’m convinced of this idea. But as I know that this is not true, I took the hard road. I’ve listened to that friend fighting with me. I’ve let that friend to let all the anger out. And honestly, I don’t regret it!

However, I’m still learning. I actually don’t know how I should act and react. I don’t know what to do and not do. I don’t have someone to guide me. I only have life. I only learn from the mistakes that I make. I only learn from the chaos of life. I’m like a child in the world of relationships. I don’t overthink consequences. I just have fun with this and that without thinking what people will think of us. I just live. I am just being myself, especially while being in places I think they’re safe. But idk. I think that no place is safe. People will always misunderstand. And when you try to point out your view, they’ll just use the card of think of what people will think and say. I don’t like to be trapped in people’s sayings and thoughts.

That doesn’t mean to do everything without being careful and without caring about the consequences and the influence of these actions! But I’m just saying that I hate being trapped in them.

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