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I see myself as a sailor in the middle of a wooden boat, lost in the madness of a raging and angry stormy sea. It feels like I’m wrestling with the gods of sea and lightning. All I can see is the darkness of the cloudy skies, and the noise of the angry roaring thunder. I’m trying to navigate the ship through the storm by the foresail ignoring everything I’ve been taught about sailing “When a storm hits, all sails must be lowered!” Because I’m afraid if I lowered my sails, I would drown. And if I kept on wrestling the foresail, I may also drown. Drowning seems inevitable to me.

On the other side, I now can see a lighthouse there in the middle of the chaotic scene.

On the other side, I now can see a lighthouse there in the middle of the chaotic scene. The waters of the lighthouse, for some reason, is calm. I can see the sunlight there. As if the sun decided to rise only there. I’m having thoughts to try to navigate to this lighthouse but I’m having second thoughts! What if the lighthouse is not real, that it is a picture of my unconsciousness to give me a sense of hope so that I can survive this chaos. What if the lighthouse is just a mirage. What if it’s actually there, but I the owner of the lighthouse is not welcoming visitors. What if I also get drowned while trying to reach the lighthouse! These what ifs sound like a statements not questions to me- facts. What if! I’m not even sure that this is the true lighthouse, what if there’s another lighthouse I’m supposed to go to! And what if the storm followed me there! These what ifs are paralyzing me!

Still fighting with the storm and getting tired and thinking to give it all up. But why not to try to reach the lighthouse and see the outcome!

I’ve been sailing for months now trying to reach the lighthouse and trying to survive the storm at the same time. The foresail is cracking and breaking. I’m unable to reach it for some reason. I wonder if the lighthouse owner is seeing me. I also wonder if he does, why he’s not trying to help. I’m wondering, and in this stormy sea I’m wandering.

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